A lot of people decided to stay away from this show for one reason or another, mostly because they couldn’t make it or couldn’t afford it. So the small collective of myself, Orrin, Ollie and Simpsathon met up at Charnock services at 8am sharp on the Saturday morning ready for another weekend or sexual cars and strip action, oh and yet MORE beer.
A quick brekkie and daylight raping for everyone – apart from myself as i knew the standards of cooking and the prices and we set off on our merry way. Needless to say, the directions from the Inters website were shite, couple that with my crap sat nav and the result was a layby somewhere on the M42. Not to worry, we’ll take advantage. A quick piss and a couple of smokes, and also a quick tribute to Michael Jackson (who had died the thursday or friday of that week) and we were on out way again, all thanks to Simpy who said “a wondord where ya wer fockin goihn ma fockin sat nav kept tellin me ta torn rond innit“.
Heeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeee OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! So, we were 30 minutes from Brunters, and in true ‘Simpys Sat Nav’ style it took us the most random way ever, but fair play to Karen as it got us there.
We entered the airfield and on arrival i informed the ‘security gaurd’ that i was camping AND i was in the show and shine. I asked which way he would like me to go. What answer did i get… “uhhh i dunno“. Nice one. Fuck it, i’ll choose the camping route.
3 hours later and after an escorted drive off some old crone in a Fox we made it to the campsite. The cars were parked and the tents came out – and so did 20 million little fucking flies. Where they came from no one knows but i was sure of one thing – they were annoying the fuck out of everyone!
Beer got opened, the cars were given a quick detail, although naturally I deicded to go straight for the stove before doing my car. UHHHH FAT BASTARD! Get bent, i’d had no brekkie! Once the car was cleaned i made a trek over to the show and shine only to be told i’d missed entry on the Saturday by about 20 minutes! FACKIN KANT! Oh well there’s always the Sunday i thought. So back to the campsite i trailed in the frame of mind of swigging me Stella.
The afternoon wore on, with the weather not being able to properly make its mind up, but thankfully it didn’t really rain! Into the evening Rich and Sian-Marie rolled up to share a few bevs with us before their night out with Mugly and co in Leicester. We did try to get them to camp but our persuasion tactics must be shit because they didn’t. It wasn’t long however until a rather nice Vento rolled up. Who’s this? It’s Shakey & Boo. “Can ay fackin camp mayte?” he said, naturally we all said ”th’aye of course fetlers, the more the merrier tha ses!“. So that was it, camp set up, a good group or people with beer a plenty.
Dubmike unfortunately was not with us, so as a tribute to his greatly missed prescence, Ollie disappeared to his car and came back with a bottle of ye-olde Cham-pag-nayyy!
“Hello, time for a totally savage lol of a tribute to Dubmike” he wittered in his true lolliver style.
With that not only now was there Stella and Carlsberg (courtesy of Shakey)flowing, but now Champange. “Not for me” i said, especially after the state i felt like on the morning of VAG09, didn’t stop everyone else though. I was rather content with my 8 Stella’s. Wasn’t to long though until i ran out and Shakey asked if would like a few of his. ‘Fuck it why not’ i thought. SO down went a few bottles of the good stuff.
It wasn’t, of course, too long until someone had to mention the word “guitar” and Ollie minced off to his car and dragged the old girl out. It first of all started out with the old Tenacious D tracks, but developed onto the likes of Slipknot. Talk about extremes! It’s allllllllllll good though! Lollacious C FTGDMFW!
After brasting for a piss for quite a while, and with the toilets being so far away, some clever dick though about killing two birds with one stone. So what followed was pure madness but a moment I will never forget, and neither will anyone else who was camping at the time! It was at that point the whole of our campsite decided to go on a mini roadtrip around the campsite – guitar in tow!
With Shakey at the helm we went on a drive round the whole campsite whilst blasting out some top tunes. People cheered and shouted, clapped and laughed whilst jumping for their cameras to capture the moment. Shakey decided to get a bit throttle happy after asking Simpy “er ar mayte, what fackin motah as it got in it“.
“A fockin twenty valve innit” he said! Shakey couldn’t believe it haha! Don’t think anyone had ever seen his face light up as much as it did that moment!
Time went by and after a couple of laps of the campsite, and some random bird jumping in then wanting to get back out again – awkward – we made it back to camp – STILL needing a piss! Great! I really couldn’t be arsed walking and the Caddy was parked up, so Shakey kindly decided to donate his car to us. Yay!
By this time darkness had fallen, Rich & Sian-Marie had disappeared to go live it up in Leicester so we made our way up to the dance tent. It took a fair bit of time as we were all creaming over the uber sexual E30 M3 which was parked nearby, but when we made it we didn’t stay long, and to be honest the DJ was shite, not a patch on Mase and Paul and the sets they played at Mania! Back to the campsite!
Once there, it was time to chill and consume the many more beers that were still left. This was obvious as the rubbish, which was piled on Ollies tent hahah wasn’t that big.
As the night drew to a close people dwindled to bed. Me first of course after hearing reports of my snoring in the morning! 
BWAHAHAHAAHA!
The day of the show arrived, and in Billy style i was “UHHHHHHHHHH UP AT 5″. I didn’t know it was so early until i got out of my tent and went for a piss to be greeted by a tick blanket of fog, and of course a balck Caddy, fucking flies again! So back to bed for a couple of hours. 7:30am came and off i went for a shower and to give the car a clean ready for the show and shine. I arrived back at the campsite after grabbing a good spot in the show arena and packed away my stuff whilst everyone else crawled out of their tents looking and feeling like shit. BWAHAHAHA!
Shakey made his way off, although didn’t get very far – the lad can talk haha! Ollie and Orrin then made their way over to the show arena and we all then went for breakfast. We made our way back to the cars after some much needed scram and ended up bumping into the totally sexual Helen – <3 <3 <3 – who stayed with us for the rest of the day. The poor but dedicated girl had made the drive down all by herself. Bless. If only she’d known we’d camped!
We all stuck together taking in the sights and sounds of the show. Sampling some of the fine ass (cars) that were tearing down the strip and having a good wander round the trade stalls.
Orrin decided to spunk about £50 on waxes and other miscellaneous detailing products, Simpy bought about 30 air fresheners whilst in the process of chatting up his scene bird AnnaVR6, whilst i chose to spend my, sorry YOUR tax cash on a couple of t-shirts and a Crazy Udder! Luckily the sun decided to show it’s face all day so natually my tits came out (along with Helens) to get some more sunburn.
The day was in full swing now and dinner time was fast approaching. The breakfast we’d all had just a few hours prior really did not do the job which you’d expect a big fat baguette to do and fill you up, which, was quite disappointing considering the price. Orrin had been eyeing up the Yorkshire Pudding van all day, and i desperately fancied something quick and easy, aswell as a Crazy Udder. Dam them guys they must be millionaires! So after a mass-debate the choice was made to make our way back to grub arena and feed ourselves!
Orrin went for the Yorkshire pud, while i went for the ‘Chips & Udder’ option coated with a nice layer of mayo. It was at this point Rich & Sian-Marie caught up with us again so we all had a nice chill out and stuffed our faces.
Once dinner was done with back onto the wandering we went. After laughing in the face of Mr Crazy Quiffs the rip off merchant who was expecting to get £700 for a new Caddy tailgate, we made our way to the ice cream van, bought a few twisters and had a wander round the auto jumble stalls. All i will say is the Comps that we saw, OH MY FUCKING GOD I WANT! FUCKIN MUSTAAAAANG!
A chill out by the strip and then on the grass saw the day coming to an end, so the decision was made to go get the cars, and start the journey home as we were all pretty knackered after the heavy sesh the night before, that was until Helen was adamant that we should go for a pint first! Me and Ollie were both brasting for a turd so the idea sounded good.
Gagging for a fag, we got to some random pub in the middle of nowhere. The co-op supermarket next door seemed like an oasis, that was until we realised it was shut. So me and Simpy had to go halves on a pack from the fag machine in the pub and to be fair they weren’t that overpriced. Who cared, all i wanted was a fag so had no other option.
It was good to just sit and relax for a bit as we were all knackered, i couldn’t be arsed doing anything, even supporting the weight of my own head. Make shift face hammock FTW as seen above!
Once the pint was down our necks we started the journey home agreeing to stop on the M6 Toll for a piss and to swap over camping gear into the Caddy. Trundling down the motorway we were homeward bound. Helen couldn’t be arsed with us sticking to 75mph so she shot off to her native Cheshire and left us all behind.
After nearly ploughing into each other and Ollie’s bumper kissing the central reservation (HAHAHAHAHAHA) because some twats decided to slam on ahead of me, home came closer and when the Lancashire sign appeared i felt relief, especially with the fact that i was going to make it home for Top Gear!
All in all, a good weekend had! Bring on the next! Pics by Orrin @ Elbo.
